Brain vomit

03/26/25

Have you ever tried to slap yourself in a dream? I have a habit of getting caught in wake up cycles when I nap during the day, and can never tell when I've finally managed to truly wake myself up. Every time feels so real, only for my concentration to lapse for a millisecond and I'm suddenly back in the same position with my eyes shut. I'll crack them open and recognize the green posters on my wall and blue blanket next to my face. I'll feel myself slowly roll over and my legs swing over the side of the bed to stand--only to snap back in space to where I started! I'll do that at least 20 times before I get frustrated by what a time waster this all is. Today I even became lucid about the fact that I was stuck in one of these cycles, and I thought, what the hell, maybe I could wake myself up by slapping myself. I remember bring my hand up and out of the blankets to slap my cheek, and was shocked to find my hand creeping towards my face as if I was swinging it through molasses. I felt it thump against my cheek like I'd dropped my phone on my face and it didn't hurt at all. And my dumbass thought it was real lmaoooo I was like damn, are my muscles really this weak right when I wake up? I did it like 5 times before I gave up, and spent the next 10 minutes repeatedly getting up and spawning back in my bed. I even tried to consciously separate my mind from my body for a bit to see if I could stand beside my bed and look at myself sleeping--it created a very strange feeling in my chest every time I got close, very much that kind of distressing sense of being in between sleep and awake. Eventually my phone alarm went off and I snapped into actually being awake, laying there in the exact position I had been for the past 15 minutes. The first thing I did was try slapping myself again, and yes when you are actually awake it is very possible to slap yourself very hard in the face so beware. can you tell im tired?

01/27/25

What the hell happened to my interest in studying languages? Why is so hard for me to be a beginner?? I have at least four languages lined up to learn, varying greatly in terms of practicality and level of interest. Russian has been this great looming wall in my sights for longer than I've known what Minecraft is, and I still feel like my level is so much worse than it should be... and all the while, Kazakh and Ukrainian stare up at me with their big puppy eyes and I'm like I kNOW I KNOWWWW but ㅠㅠㅠㅠ And now as my plans shift, Thai has become an immediately more important language to add to my repertoire, but my Lord am I intimidated. And yet all this time, I've gotten pretty much nowhere with any of them, very much unlike my obsessive ability to study Korean I seemed to have lost after high school. I partly blame age, and give credit to something about Korean's structure that clicked so deliciously in my mind at the time. I now recognize that in order to really learn a language, I need some form of external motivation, and thrive best when I'm interacting with another human being to make actual meaningful use of my skills. My Korean skills shot through the roof once I moved to Korea, and the only time I've ever felt myself make measurable progress in Russian was when I had a tutor. But both of those things cost $$$ and are very stressful :( So I remain in my predicament, all sad like. Maybe I'll shop around again for better tutors, and try 30 mins a week instead of an hour. I'm still waiting for any kind of breakthrough that could make any of this make sense lmao.

01/04/25?!

Wowow 2025! What a great number. A whole semester has passed since I wrote that last update. After much 고민s I finally applied for grad school, so it looks like my life will remain relatively the same for the next few years. It's still hard for me not to treat this period as a sort of limbo, since I really badly want to really 'settle down' somewhere, at least for long enough that I can get a damn dog and cook my own food. Living in the dorms and constantly moving around makes it pretty hard to feel like the place I live is really home. But 6 years of limbo does not sound like the move. I'm going to really try finding activites I can do weekly that will get me off campus. Right now, I've got my eye on salsa dancing💃

08/31/24

Okay can someone who's gone through grad school tell me, how the FUCK are you supposed to choose a discipline/area of focus when there is so much to choose from? Like literally an infinite amount of interesting topics? And linguistics/SLA is such a broad field just TEEMING with interesting topics that I feel so confused lmao. Every time I read a new book or study I get all fixated on its topic and convince myself that THATS

what I want to do, only for that passion to fade back down like a dead match stick, just waiting to be relit by another book or study. How do you keep that match burning all the time, and not regret everything if it ends up going out?? I know the answer is just saying fuck it and going for an area that feels of high Quality at the time, and remembering that I hopefully have many many years in front of me to try shit out. But like, damn, there's too many options, too much potential... phonology TBLT language documentation preservation revitalization advising etcetra... ouwie

08/27/24

I think I'm going to try and implement another household Youtube ban, just because there's so many things I'd rather be doing that scrolling through Youtube recommendeds for hours at a time. If you've read my other entries you've probably seen that I've tried and failed this before, so we'll see how it goes this time. I've deleted the Youtube app off my iPad, so that's a start. I'm allowing myself 2 strikes before I count this as "failed." 이번주 금요일까지 해보자, 힘내!! YouTube Ban in effect starting 08/27/2024 09:14:25, ending 08/31/2024 00:00:01.

08/25/24

Feels very strange to be a senior with a gaggle of freshman as my responsibility this year. Fresh outta high school, man these kids are scary! But I try not to take anything personally because I know that these next four years are going to be an insane period of growth for them, as it was for me. Mostly I'm just excited for them to have this opportunity. Anyways, classes start tomorrow and I'm about to be crazy busy again. I was hoping my final year could be a bit more relaxed, but somehow I've accidentally packed my schedule almost as bad as in Korea... at least this time I feel prepared. ish.

07/25/24

heyyy if any of you guys use apps like notability or whatever to journal digitally, I made a little journal template, feel free to take it and run! Click here to download the full-quality pdf! Click here for a version with no graphics!

07/14/24

We've just gotten back our final test scores, and it appears I've "passed" my year abroad, or at least received high enough scores in speaking/listening/reading that I can be classified as "fluent" in Korean. damn ok????? Three years of uni, plus many more years before that in and out of Korea, boiled down into three little numbers, is fucking crazy. I won't lie, I didn't expect to pass this shit at all, and so now I don't know how to feel. I'm relieved that I've been able to make full use of this major, and I'm sorta proud of myself for

making a goal, not sticking to it, and then accidentally landing ass-first into it anyways. But it also really gives the sense of, "okay, now you've gotta DO something with it." Scary! And also, I'm terrified of it all leaking out of my brain again and this all being a waste. I feel like the only way to prevent this fully would be to move back, but God oh God do I not want to do that right now. At least my motivation to learn is returning. I must capitalize on it now before it whisps away again. fck

07/05/24

Been home for a while and its all starting to blend together again!!! ! Its strange how you can have so many ideas and things you want to do, yet spend every day wasting away in bed and accomplishing pretty much nothing. I've never been a fan of "resting" in the sense that you sit around and consume any brain numbing content you can get your hands on because you "earned it." Just makes me anxious. But I get what people mean when they say that they can't manage to do much else. I have less than five weeks here before my life changes significantly again, so I guess I'll focus on things I can only do here. Family, friends, music etc. etc. And maybe add my about me page finally.

06/16/24

I've said it before but I'll say it again, man do I love moments of great transition and Dynamic change. I made a list of the last things I need to do before I'm done with this chapter of my life, and its like, four more things. They're huge things that are going to be hard, but inevitably, by the end of this week, they WILL be done. I'll be done! Done.
Also, its crazy how much more fun Korean suddenly becomes again once the weight of a years worth of tests and presentations and homework is lifted off ones shoulders. I'm taking that as a very good sign.

06/11/24

I've already failed.

06/09/24

With a very important final coming up in less than two weeks (Dear Lord in Heaven) I think I'm going to have to implement another household YouTube ban. I've never been able to regulate my YT consumption very well, and in times of stress I find myself aimlessly browsing it for hours on end -- click random vid, watch for 30 seconds, get bored, look for another vid, repeat etc. It's nice to have on in the background while coding or eating but it's gotten ridiculous at this point. Maybe this post will help me keep my word this time. YouTube Ban in effect starting 06/09/2024 20:49:50, ending 06/22/2024 00:00:01.

06/04/24

Early June. We are on the cusp of overdue conclusions and great change and I can barely contain my excitement. I feel a bit sheepish about how badly I want to leave, but I'm also trying to find solace in the fact that I've never missed home quite this much before. That's a good sign, right? Homesickness was an unknown term before this last year, even though this isn't even the first time I've gone out of my way to leave. I will always be grateful for the things I've learned and experienced here, if only because it helped me appreciate my roots in a new light. I miss having roots.

05/30/24

First entry, after spending way too long getting this page to look semi-presentable. Now what? Uh.. surroundings check -- its 23:23 pm on a quiet Thursday night,tomorrow we have a 토론 instead of a presentation so I'm looking forward to it. I've been staring at this screen so long my eyes feel steamed. Good night!!

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